I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
