that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
