I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
