I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
