thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
