I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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