when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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