i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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