I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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