i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
