Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
