It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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