The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
