i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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