fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We are two peas in an std pod
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
