They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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