Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
