I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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