I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
