Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You took a bar mat shot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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