around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
