weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
