After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
