I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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