I hate your face
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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