Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
