The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
