the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
