haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
