I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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