you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
