genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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