Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
