i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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