why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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