I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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