so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
