I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
3pm strippers are depressing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Alive.
So much puke
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
