My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
