cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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