my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
