I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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