Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
