P.S. I can't hear my feet
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it's like iHOP with fire
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
