I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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