I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.