dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!