we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?