who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
