I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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