Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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