You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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