two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
