I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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