I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
