im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
