woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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