My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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